Popular Comedy Quotes
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S. Quint: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S. Quint: [Retches]
Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Mrs. Dashwood: You must miss him Elinor.
Elinor Dashwood: We are not engaged Mamma.
Mrs. Dashwood: But he loves you dearest, of that I am sure.
Elinor Dashwood: I am by no means assured of his regard and even were he to feel such a preference I think we should both be very foolish to assume that there would not be many obstacles to his marrying a woman of no rank who cannot afford to buy sugar.
Mrs. Dashwood: But Elinor, your heart must tell you...
Elinor Dashwood: In such a case it is perhaps better to use one's head.
Harold: [awakening from dream after being hit on head] What the hell are you doing? Gawd!
Kumar: You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up.
Harold: If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Kumar: It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?
Earl Bassett: Hey, Rhonda, you ever seen anything like this before?
Valentine McKee: Oh, sure, Earl. Everyone knows about them, we just didn't tell you.
Archie: You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life.
Wanda: Get me my drink.
Drake: I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust.
Steve: You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.
You have shown me a live I could only dream about back home by masturbating in my father's woodshed.Taj
Ben: You're gonna get arrested!
Lindsey Meeks: You can't sell your tickets!
Ben: That's why you ran across the whole field? Wait, you've gotta tell me... was it spongy?
[after Marcus outruns Fochet at the airport] Now that's how you s'pose to drive. From now on, that's how you drive!Mike Lowrey
Ed McDonnough: We finally go out with decent people and you break his nose. That ain't too funny, Hi.
H.I.: His kids seemed to think it was funny.
Ed McDonnough: Well they're just kids.
Sid: Welcome, to the Wellington, ma'am.
Elle: It's a thrill to be here.
Travis: I joined this program and there's steps. There's... uh...
Travis: Yeah, how'd you know?
Cher: Wild guess.