Dr. Gonzo: Hello? Hi Lucy, God bless. Yeah it's me. What? I dont know, I taught that bastard a lesson he'll never forget. What? No, not dead. But he won't be bothering anybody for a while. Yeah, I left him out there. I stomped him. I pulled all his teeth out.
Raoul Duke: I remember thinking 'Jesus, what a terrible thing to lay on someone with a head full of acid'.
Dr. Gonzo: But we have a problem. That bastard cashed a bad cheque downstairs and gave you as a reference. They'll be looking for both of you. Yeah I know. You can't judge a book by it's cover... some people are just basically rotten. Well the last thing in the world you want to do is call this hotel again. They'll trace the call and put you straight behind bars. Yeah I'm moving to the tropicana right away... when I get a room I'll let you know which one it is... I gotta get off. They probably have this phone tapped baby... Yeah I know it's horrible but it's all over now.

Julianne Potter: You're going to humiliate me, aren't you?
George Downes: Only if I can.

Kimmy Wallace: He sucks soup through his front teeth.
Julianne Potter: That's a trademark move - don't touch that one.
Kimmy Wallace: But he sure can kiss.

The misery! The exquisite tragedy! The Susan Hayward of it all!

George Downes

This is my one chance at happiness. I have to be ruthless!

Julianne Potter

You kissed him! At my parents house! On my wedding day!

Kimmy Wallace

If he were feeling what I'm feeling then he would know how it feels.

Julianne Potter

HEY! How ya doin? I'm Jules' fiance! Just stopped by for a little conjugal visit!

George Downes

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Serendipity: Don't...
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out a gun, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael: Get it?

Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

Metatron

[after teaching Jack how to evaluating a glass of wine prior to tasting] ... Are you chewing gum?

Miles Raymond

Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? [Sees judge Smalls in the same hat] Oh, it looks good on you though.

Al Czervik

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