Popular Comedy Quotes
...and the sea cucumber turns to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"Marlin
Chuck: After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out.
Dave Buznik: So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Chuck: Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes.
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses... in blood!
[Rips shirt to reveal silver breastplate]
Bartleby: Wings, now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here ...
Bartleby: DO IT!
Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.
Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.
Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.
Marcus Burnett: Oh, man, that was cold.
Detective Sanchez: Yeah, so was your mama's bed.
News Reporter: President Benson, where's your first lady?
President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: I don't know. I've had lots of women. Lost my flower at the age of 15. I can't keep track.
Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.Scott Evil
That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.Sam
Anna Riley: What's happening with Ruth and Ethan?
Father Brian Finn: Oh. Ethan married a Catholic girl and that did not go over well.
Anna Riley: That's why they're fighting?
Father Brian Finn: They're not fighting, they're not talking. Two years now no communicado.
Anna Riley: Are you serious?
Father Brian Finn: Yeah.
Anna Riley: What? Weren't they really close though?
Father Brian Finn: As close as Ruth and Jake.
Anna Riley: That explains a lot.
Father Brian Finn: You see why tonight was not just a date.
People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle.God
I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!Max Bialystock
And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.Reg Hartner