Elias: Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love or like pussy!
Jay: [Looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!

Randal Graves. You work here too? Jesus, anyone else from our graduating class back there?

Lance Dowds

Teen #1: You holding?
Jay: Shit, everything except coke, heroin, and your cock!

Dante Hicks: The guy's in a wheelchair.
Randal Graves: I know. That's why I call him "crippie-boy."

Randal Graves: 17-year-olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth, Randal.
Randal Graves: It's never my idea!

I was taking a piss when I heard the news, congratulations!

Jay

Santa: That's another thing... Buddy you should know that your father... he's on the naughty list.
Buddy: Nooooo!

Randal Graves: Don't worry. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance Dowds: I bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm sure you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.

Randal Graves: Well I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom. What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth?
Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.

Randal Graves: Becky, you've given guys blowjobs, right?
Becky: I haven't even put my purse down yet.
Randal Graves: That's a yes.

Raoul Duke: Yeah. Hi there! My name... is, uh, Raoul Duke. I'm on the list, that's for sure. Here to cover the race. I have my attorney... with me, and I realize that his name is not on that list, but we must have that suite! What's the score here? What's next?
Frog-Eyed Woman: Your suite isn't ready yet. But someone was looking for you...

Know your dope fiend. You will not be able to see his eyes because of tea shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim.

Voice of Drug Film Narrator

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