Popular Comedy Quotes
Admiral Benson: Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson is dead. So is Mo Green, Tataglia, Barzini, the heads of all the five families. It is at moments like these, my dear friends, that we must ask ourselves: "How can this not be part of some larger plan?" Do good men like Dead Meat Thompson just blink out one day like a bad bulb? I mean, one minute you're in bed with a knockout gal... or guy, and the next, you're a compost heap. Doesn't that bother any of you? Because it scares the living piss outta me!
A TITANIUM Express card?Mr. Fox
Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching 'The Gift'. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass! You have no idea!
Rosenberg: Ugh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Joel Goodson: Don't steal anything. If I come back here and anything's missing, I'm going straight to the police. I mean it.
Lana: Go to school, Joel. Learn something.
Artie Fufkin: You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?
David St. Hubbins: What?
Artie Fufkin: Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all. Kick my ass. Enjoy. Come on. I'm not asking, I'm telling with this. Kick my ass.
I want to have a threesome.Daphne Binks
Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?
Dr. Evil: How about, no, Scott? Okay?
You did everything penguinly possible.RamÃ³n
May I take your trident, sir?Arthur
The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you.Samantha Jones
Max Fischer: The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.
Rosemary Cross: We don't have a relationship.
Max Fischer: But we're friends.
Rosemary Cross: Yes, and that's all we're *going* to be. Well, yes...
Max Fischer: That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?
[during her "No Penis Intended" comedy routine after the nominations] Yes, I suppose I'll forgive him... in HELL! HA HA HA HA!Callie Webb