Popular Comedy Quotes
[about to be kissed] Uh, I heard this rumor... alcohol impairs your judgment.Carter Duryea
Kangaroo: What do you think you're doing?
Tommy: Oh, you guys with worlds are in trouble!
Kangaroo: Have you forgotten what we've discussed?
Horton: Oh no, I'm an elephant and elephants never forget, it's a curse really! I remember, I was on my head and you said hmm and I looked up and you said ,what are you doing?, and I said the thing about the speck, then you pulled my ears and you poked me in the forehead...
Horton: Well you did.
[during her "No Penis Intended" comedy routine after the nominations] Yes, I suppose I'll forgive him... in HELL! HA HA HA HA!Callie Webb
David: You still haven't met his mum?
Shaun: Not yet!
Philip: Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: It's not that I don't get on with her...
David: Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: No! I love my mum!
Ed: I love his mum too.
Ed: [singing] She's like butter!
Claire Standish: [about her folks] I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me. It's like they use me just to get back at each other.
Allison Reynolds: [her first words of dialogue so far] Ha!
Claire Standish: [pauses] Shut up!
Yeah, I had a girl cheat on me once, with both Liam Gallagher and Noel Gallagher.Aldous Snow
Gary: Why didn't you just say that to me?
Brooke: I tried. I've tried.
Gary: Never like that, you might have said some things that meant to imply that, but I'm not a mind reader...
Brooke: It wouldn't matter, you are who you are. Just leave me alone ,okay? Right now, just shut my door.
Brooke: Alright, Gary, just please, just leave the room. Gary, just... I don't want to be near you right now, please... just shut the door, please.
Rachel: I'm with B.N.S.
Kelly Robinson: Yeah, what's B.N.S. stand for? Bitch that Needs some Slapping?
Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.
Dr. Lars: It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.
George Simmons: Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent?
Dr. Lars: You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.
George Simmons: And I enjoy all of your movies.
Dr. Lars: [surprised] Which movies?
George Simmons: The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.
Walter Stratford: Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
Kat Stratford: Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30.
Jack: Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.
Miles Raymond: Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.
Jack: You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.
Miles Raymond: Wonderful.
Jack: I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.
Miles Raymond: I'd rather have a knife.