Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

KG: Go score me a dime-bag.
JB: A what?
KG: Ten dollars worth a *weed*. Now Listen: Go down to Wake & Bake Pizza, ask for Jojo. Tell him you want the Bob Marley Extra Crispy. He'll know what you're talkin' about.
JB: All right dude, roger that. One Extra Crispy comin' up!
[hangs up phone]

[about Tracy] Her pussy gets so wet you can't believe it.

Dave Novotny

I arrived in America's airport with clothings, U.S dollars and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.

Borat

I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

Dr. Peter Venkman

I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure.

Mr. Jones

I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

Wayne Campbell

Michael Newman: [reading off letter] Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S. Your Wife's Rockin' Body Still Drives Me Crazy.
Michael Newman: Okay, Morty.
[Throws the universal remote into the bin]

Safe... when I'm with you I feel so safe... like I'm home.

Andrew Largeman

Elwood: Shit.
Jake: What?
Elwood: Rollers...
Jake: No.
Elwood: Yeah.
Jake: Shit.

Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.

Phil

Lou Loomis: What's the sign say?
Angie D'Annunzio: No bare feet.
Lou Loomis: [picks him up by the shirt collar] What's that sign say?
Angie D'Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou Loomis: What's that mean?
Angie D'Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou Loomis: You owe me one gumball machine. What's that candy wrapper doing there? Well don't you see it? Well pick it up.

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