Popular Comedy Quotes
[during her "No Penis Intended" comedy routine after the nominations] Yes, I suppose I'll forgive him... in HELL! HA HA HA HA!Callie Webb
Carter: No disrespect, sir, but he's only gonna get in my way. If I'm gonna handle the situation for you, I'm gonna have to work alone.
Agent Russ: Carter, he *is* the situation.
I like the smell of my hair treatment; the pleasing odor is half the point.Ulysses Everett McGill
It's freedom, baby, yeah!Austin Powers
We wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.Kirk Lazarus
Fucking dipshit with a nine toed woman.Walter Sobchak
Joel Goodson: Don't steal anything. If I come back here and anything's missing, I'm going straight to the police. I mean it.
Lana: Go to school, Joel. Learn something.
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.
Austin Powers: No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound, baby!
Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.
Max Fischer: The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.
Rosemary Cross: We don't have a relationship.
Max Fischer: But we're friends.
Rosemary Cross: Yes, and that's all we're *going* to be. Well, yes...
Max Fischer: That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?
Jack: Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.
Miles Raymond: Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.
Jack: You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.
Miles Raymond: Wonderful.
Jack: I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.
Miles Raymond: I'd rather have a knife.
Father Brian Finn: I keep thinking about what you said in seminary, that the life of a priest is hard and if you can see yourself being happy doing anything else you should do that.
Father Havel: That was my recruitment pitch, which is not bad when you're starting out because it makes you feel like a marine. The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again.