Man cannot live on porn alone.

Maya

Bart: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.
Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.
Bart: That's right, she is. But you aint. And neither is that kid.

Oh my god... there's someone at the door. There's someone at the door!

Dr. Gonzo

Will Smith: 'Ey, you Brickman?
Ollie: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.

Dr. Gonzo: Hello? Hi Lucy, God bless. Yeah it's me. What? I dont know, I taught that bastard a lesson he'll never forget. What? No, not dead. But he won't be bothering anybody for a while. Yeah, I left him out there. I stomped him. I pulled all his teeth out.
Raoul Duke: I remember thinking 'Jesus, what a terrible thing to lay on someone with a head full of acid'.
Dr. Gonzo: But we have a problem. That bastard cashed a bad cheque downstairs and gave you as a reference. They'll be looking for both of you. Yeah I know. You can't judge a book by it's cover... some people are just basically rotten. Well the last thing in the world you want to do is call this hotel again. They'll trace the call and put you straight behind bars. Yeah I'm moving to the tropicana right away... when I get a room I'll let you know which one it is... I gotta get off. They probably have this phone tapped baby... Yeah I know it's horrible but it's all over now.

Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.

Ollie

My mom and dad are very religious. At night I hear them scream, Jesus!

Girl

Ollie: No, that's okay, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?
Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.
Ollie: That juice is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart: It's called juice. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.

Gertie: Did mommy like New York?
Ollie: Yeah, she loved it.
Gertie: Then I guess I will too.

Bart: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.
Ollie: Aww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!
Bart: Not that smart ass.

[after teaching Jack how to evaluating a glass of wine prior to tasting] ... Are you chewing gum?

Miles Raymond

Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? [Sees judge Smalls in the same hat] Oh, it looks good on you though.

Al Czervik

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