Popular Comedy Quotes
Joel Goodson: Don't steal anything. If I come back here and anything's missing, I'm going straight to the police. I mean it.
Lana: Go to school, Joel. Learn something.
David Seville: You know, if I were to make a list of the worst days of my life, guess what? This day would be on top of the list!
Alvin: And it's still early!
Sid: Welcome, to the Wellington, ma'am.
Elle: It's a thrill to be here.
Joe: We won't breathe a word!
Spats Colombo: You won't breathe nothin' - not even air.
T.S. Quint: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?
Jay: Look who you're asking!
If I wasn't from Jamaica, then why would I be wearing this hat?Thurgood Jenkins
Max Fischer: The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.
Rosemary Cross: We don't have a relationship.
Max Fischer: But we're friends.
Rosemary Cross: Yes, and that's all we're *going* to be. Well, yes...
Max Fischer: That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?
The fatties were the first to go.Columbus
Richie: Did you say you were on Mescaline?
Eli: I did indeed. Very much so.
Now take a step back...*and fuck your own face!*Les Grossman
[during her "No Penis Intended" comedy routine after the nominations] Yes, I suppose I'll forgive him... in HELL! HA HA HA HA!Callie Webb
Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.