General Barnicke: Where is your drill sergeant, men?
John Winger: Blown up sir.

You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.


Your society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.


You're not a standup guy today, Pat!


At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.

White Goodman

[hypnotizing Derek] Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus and I'm here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!


Vincent Benedict: Through the lips, over the gums...
Julius Benedict: Look out stomach! Here it comes!

This is the West, not the East. The sun may rise where we come from... but here is where it sets.

Chon Wang

Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.

Dewey Finn: Give me a platform. Let's rock, let's rock, today. Now do it to me.
Lawrence: Let's rock, let's rock, today.
Dewey Finn: That's good. Slap it, shoot it, ka-boot it.

Have... a good time... all the time.

Viv Savage

He turned down a blow job from his ex-girlfriend. You know what that does to a man? It's called blue balls. He's like Gandhi! But better - he likes puppets!

Dwayne the Bartender

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