You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!

Kyle

The day is mine!

Satan

Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
Buddy: Really?
Santa: Mmm hmm.
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
Buddy: Oh.
Santa: Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show," that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.

Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college.
Ty Webb: You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.

The Dude: Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson!
Donny: What do you need that for, Dude?

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker."

That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.

The Dude

Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

Cartman

What do you think this is kid? T.V. kiddie hour where we all stand around and lick Barney the dinosaur fucking pussy?

The Mole

Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff.
Ike: Bullshit.

Jeremy Grey: I'm getting married.
John Beckwith: Get out!
[points at the door]
Jeremy Grey: But you just said you were happy...
John Beckwith: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
Jeremy Grey: You said the book wasn't yours.
John Beckwith: Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.
Jeremy Grey: John...
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
Jeremy Grey: But...
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!

["One Toke Over the Line" is playing on the radio] One toke? You poor fool! Wait till you see those goddamn bats.

Raoul Duke

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