George Simmons: I'm surprised nothing happened with you and that girl.
Ira Wright: She told me she had a boyfriend.
George Simmons: She told me the same thing, when she was sucking my cock.

Dr. Evil: [deep voice] Austin, I'm your father.
Austin: Really?
Dr. Evil: No, not really. I can't back that up.
Austin: Right. Idiot, yes.

Billy: You're gonna talk to me about style? You can't even dress yourself... look at that bow tie.
Dewey Finn: Don't you be talkin' about my bow tie.

Chloe: You remember that time you stole that monkey and put it in Rosenberg's dorm room?
Kumar Patel: Had I known that the monkey had AIDS I never would have done that.

Lou Brown: I have something I think you all ought to know about. It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel.
Roger Dorn: Even me?
Lou Brown: Even you, Dorn.
Eddie Harris: What if we DON'T finish last?
Lou Brown: She'll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.
Jake Taylor: Well then I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Roger Dorn: What's that?
Jake Taylor: Win the whole fucking thing.
Willie Mays Hayes: [Willie stands up] Yeah!
Pedro Cerrano: [Pedro pounds his hand] YES!

To Tom and Violet! (Raises a toast) One assumes that everything is going to turn out like some romantic comedy, but most engagements end up like Saving Private Ryan. Good luck. God knows you're going to need it.


People! The flood is imminent!

Evan Baxter

You're crazier than a road lizard.


[offering a bouquet] These are for you to give me when you apologize.

Julian Mercer

Oh, fuck my cock!


Mrs. Dashwood: Surely you're not going to deprive us of beef as well as sugar.
Elinor Dashwood: There is nothing under 10 pence a pound we must economise.
Mrs. Dashwood: Do you want us to starve?
Elinor Dashwood: No. Just not to eat beef.

Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, funny thing about my back, is it's located on my cock.

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