Prepare to get fucked by the long dick of the law.

Officer Michaels

Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Evan

Seth: I drew dicks.
Evan: Like a man dick?
Seth: Yes, like a man dick.
Evan: That's supergay.

[Vernon catches Bender playing basketball]
Bender: Don't you want to hear my excuse?
Richard Vernon: Out.
Bender: I'm thinkin' of tryin' out for a scholarship.

Richard Vernon: You're not fooling anyone Bender. The next screw that falls out will be you.
Bender: Eat my shorts.
Richard Vernon: What was that?
Bender: Eat... My... Shorts.
Richard Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday.
Bender: Ooh, I'm crushed.
Richard Vernon: You just bought one more.
Bender: Well I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.

You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you.

Andrew

Stephanie: [to Jack as she is beating him with her motorcycle helmet] I hope you die!
[stops beating Jack and looks at Miles]
Stephanie: You too!
Miles Raymond: Me?

I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the fear.

Dr. Gonzo

Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?
John Bender: I'm being honest, asshole.

Claire Standish: [about her folks] I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me. It's like they use me just to get back at each other.
Allison Reynolds: [her first words of dialogue so far] Ha!
Claire Standish: [pauses] Shut up!

You drive. You drive. I think there's something wrong with me.

Dr. Gonzo

I'm trying to get you laid, I'd appreciate a little help!

Jack

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