I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh, that those who can't do teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym. And, uh, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school.

Alvy Singer

I want a world where Frank junior and all the Frank juniors can sit under a shady tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean, and go into a 7-11 without an interpreter.

Lt. Frank Drebin

Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching 'The Gift'. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass! You have no idea!
Rosenberg: Ugh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Rosenberg: Touche.

Joel Goodson: Don't steal anything. If I come back here and anything's missing, I'm going straight to the police. I mean it.
Lana: Go to school, Joel. Learn something.

[to Columbus] You're thinking about fucking Wichita. Well congratualations because for the past twenty-four hours, she's been fucking both of us.


Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.

Dan Burns

Nick Naylor: Now what we need is a smoking role model. A real winner.
Jeff Megall: Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.
Nick Naylor: Right, on two packs a day.

Prince Edward: Fear not, Giselle! I will rescue you!
Pip in Andalasia: Yeah, but who's gonna rescue MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?

You get one chance at the show, and if you don't make it, it's back to cleaning the barometers.

Sam Sparks

Taggart: Break's over, boys. Don't just lay there gettin' a suntan, ain't gonna do you no good anyhow. Now take this shovel and put it to some good use.
[Bart grabs a shovel and advances on Taggart from behind]
Charlie: Don't do it, Bart.
Bart: Uh-uh, baby, I have to.
Taggart: [to Lyle] Now send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said
[Bart whacks him]
Taggart: OW.
Lyle: Send wire, main office, tell them I said ow, gotcha.

Dr. Peter Venkman: As a friend, I have to tell ya you've finally gone around the bend on this ghost business. You guys have been running your ass off, meetin' and greetin' every schizo in the five boroughs who says he has a paranormal experience. What have you seen?
Dr Ray Stantz: Of course you forget, Peter. I was present at an undersea unexplained mass sponge migration.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, Ray, the sponges "migrated" about a foot and a half.

Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.

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