Popular Comedy Quotes
Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft to get the fire off me! Help me, Oprah Winfrey!Ricky Bobby
Chuck: Here's my phone number.
Dave Buznik: "You're gonna die, bitch."
Chuck: Oh, sorry. That's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera.
Rick: How about her?
Coakley: No, the tall blonde surrounds herself with a less attractive women to make herself look good.
Coakley: [as he moves his hands] Check this out. Hot, not.
Rick: That's awesome. You're like A Beautiful Mind.
Hoover: Kent is a legacy, Otter. His brother was a '59, Fred Dorfman.
Flounder: He said legacies usually get asked to pledge automatically.
Otter: Oh, well, usually. Unless the pledge in question turns out to be a real closet-case.
Otter, Boon: Like Fred.
Mmm, yeah, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too. We've got some new people coming in and we... need to play catch-up. Thanks!Bill Lumbergh
Inigo Montoya: Offer me money!
Count Rugen: Yes.
Inigo Montoya: Power too, promise me that!
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please.
Inigo Montoya: Offer me everything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Anything you want.
Inigo Montoya: I want my father back you son of a bitch.
Bobby Boucher: So that's what opening up a can of whoop-ass feels like.
Coach Klein: Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass.
Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.Westley
Elwood: This is definitely Lower Wacker Drive! If my estimations are correct, we should be very close to the Honorable Richard J. Daley Plaza!
Jake: That's where they got that Picasso.
We got a bleeder!Paramedic
Vicki Vallencourt: Well, Bobby Boucher, welcome to manhood. I'll make sure to welcome you properly later.
Bobby Boucher: Once again, I'm not quite sure what that means.