Popular Comedy Quotes
Marianne: There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.
Olive Penderghast: Tom Cruise?
Bill Ubell: No, Captain! That's Cedric. He's a friend.
Steve Zissou: Merci, Cedric. Remind me, we'll send him a red cap and a Speedo.
Pitka: I am his holyness, the Guru Pitka. My goal is to say: Gee, You are You... TM.
Just keep it still back there lady or we're going to have to, you know, shoot you.Carl Showalter
As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he was talking about.Shaun
H.I.: What are you talkin' about, Glen?
Glen: What am I talkin' about? I'm talkin' about sex, boy, what the hell you talkin' about? I'm talkin' about l'amour! I'm talkin' that me and Dot are swingers, as in "to swing." I'm talkin' about wife swappin'. I'm talkin' about what they call nowadays open marriage. I'm talk...
H.I.: [Knocks Glen out] Keep your damn hands off my wife!
Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[Being chased by giant donuts] Hey, I had a weird dream like this once!Joe Towne
If I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks, probably like a sea monkey right now, and I should let it get a little cuter.Juno MacGuff
Ritchie: Will you stop it? You're being the mayor of Pussytown!
Jack Wyatt: I don't want to be the mayor of Pussytown!
Ritchie: I want you to get out there and be the sheriff of Ballsville!
Mike: What the fuck are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?
Sue: Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.
Sue: Whatever, man. It's different out here. It's not like New York, Mikey.
Riva: Look, if you bought Stones tickets and Jagger didn't play Satisfaction, how would you feel? Would you be happy?
Carl Casper: No.
Riva: No! You'd burn the place to the fucking ground.