Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

If ripping throats gets that warhead back, I'll suck as many dicks as I've go-- I'll rip as many throats as I have to!


I gotta meet this freakin' bird!


Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers


I don't have an iPod. I don't have a phone. They don't let me make calls. I'm going to call Nikki.


Hey, James... you still have anymore of those baby joints?

Mike Connell

If I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks, probably like a sea monkey right now, and I should let it get a little cuter.

Juno MacGuff

Matt Saunders: I'm not going to help you kill her!
Professor Bedlam: Kill? I didn't say "kill"! I said "neutralize"! It's a neutral word... like Switzerland!

Austin: Basil, this coffee smells like shit.
Basil: It is shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh, good, then it's not just me.

Kit: I smell something. Do you smell something?
Paula: Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.
Kit: No, that's not it. I smell... fun.
Paula: What?
Kit: You are a dirty little fun-haver.

Mike: What the fuck are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?
Sue: Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.
Trent: Anaheim.
Sue: Whatever, man. It's different out here. It's not like New York, Mikey.

Riva: Look, if you bought Stones tickets and Jagger didn't play Satisfaction, how would you feel? Would you be happy?
Carl Casper: No.
Riva: No! You'd burn the place to the fucking ground.

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