He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.

Carl Spackler

Ace Ventura: This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie]
Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.

I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.

God

Ace Ventura: [bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me. I'd like to "ass" you a few questions.
Emilio: Ace, this is not the time. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

[to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

Ace Ventura

Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Joan Baxter: You want to build a boat?
Evan Baxter: It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I don't know... it'd be great in case it floods or something.

Miles Raymond: Okay, so what's the plan?
Jack: Uh... the plan is... you go.
Miles Raymond: ME?
Jack: 'Cause of my ankle. Still hurts. Just go explain the situation, Miles.
Miles Raymond: [laughs uproariously]
Miles Raymond: Explain the situation? Yes. 'Excuse me, sir, my friend was the one balling your wife couple of hours ago. Really sorry. He seems to have left his wallet behind. I was wondering if I come in, just poke around, I don't know'
Jack: Yeah, yeah, just like that. That's good.

Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?

Ace Ventura

My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!

Ace Ventura

Joan Baxter: Maybe God didn't mean a flood in the literal sense. Maybe he meant a flood of... awareness.
Evan Baxter: If that's true... I'm going to be so pissed.

People! The flood is imminent!

Evan Baxter

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