Melissa: You know what? I'm not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.
Ace Ventura: Why? So you can beat him?
[talking about Melissa's dog]
Ace Ventura: Fatty.
Melissa: You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Ace Ventura: Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.

Holy shitballs.

Ace Ventura

People! The flood is imminent!

Evan Baxter

Feng: "Ping pong or how the Chinese say: ping pong

Don't be so hard on yourself, you got mad skills.

Randy Daytona

Randy Daytona: You killed him...
Feng: Well duh, what part of sudden death didn't you understand?

Who the hell said take the cricket from my hand?

Master Wong

Mmmm... tastes good!

The Hammer

Jack: Fucking chick's married, man.
Miles Raymond: What?
Jack: Her husband works a night shift or something, and he comes home and catches me on the floor with my cock in his wife's ass.
Miles Raymond: Oh, Jesus Christ.

You are the greatest player I have ever seen. Besides my self, practicing in front of a mirror... which I do... everyday... in the nude.

Karl Wolfschtagg

Sandy: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool. Gophers. The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents*.
Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even need a reason.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeep!

Evan Baxter

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