Melissa: You know what? I'm not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.
Ace Ventura: Why? So you can beat him?
[talking about Melissa's dog]
Ace Ventura: Fatty.
Melissa: You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Ace Ventura: Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.

Holy shitballs.

Ace Ventura

For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!

Ace Ventura

Feng: "Ping pong or how the Chinese say: ping pong

Don't be so hard on yourself, you got mad skills.

Randy Daytona

Randy Daytona: You killed him...
Feng: Well duh, what part of sudden death didn't you understand?

Who the hell said take the cricket from my hand?

Master Wong

Mmmm... tastes good!

The Hammer

Randy Daytona: You got me swatting flies now?
Master Wong: Not hit flies. You hit bees!

You are the greatest player I have ever seen. Besides my self, practicing in front of a mirror... which I do... everyday... in the nude.

Karl Wolfschtagg

I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

Ty Webb

[scene after the dog humps toy duck] I have to sew the duck's head back on... and fix his butthole.

Donna Newman

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