Popular Comedy Quotes
Pete: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote.
Pete: Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well I'm voting for yours truly too.
With meditation, there's no limit to what you can... Imagine.John Lennon
Jack: Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.
Miles Raymond: Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.
Jack: You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.
Miles Raymond: Wonderful.
Jack: I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.
Miles Raymond: I'd rather have a knife.
It's not "stealing" if you're family. But, seriously, don't tell your mom.Robert 'Fish' Fishman
Lisa: How's your Chinese food?
Vinny Gambini: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa: Yeah well what are you, a fucking world traveler?
Wow, If he's here, who's running hell?Van Wilder
I didn't call you because we were in trouble... okay, we were in a pickle. But it wouldn't be the first time a had to fast talk my way out of a jam! I called you because you needed us.Jedediah
Wait, where's my happy ending?Jack Ryan
I have a weakness for prostitutes apparently, all kinds.Stu
Sir Alexander Dane: I played Richard III.
Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls...
Sir Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time.
Father Brian Finn: I keep thinking about what you said in seminary, that the life of a priest is hard and if you can see yourself being happy doing anything else you should do that.
Father Havel: That was my recruitment pitch, which is not bad when you're starting out because it makes you feel like a marine. The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again.
Nicky: You have really kind eyes, you know that?
Andy Stitzer: Thanks. Umm... your hat has sequins.