Popular Comedy Quotes
You're an idiot, don't you ever make me wait outside the door again!Rand
Droz: Hi, is Sam in there?
Womynist #1: "In there" ... What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Womynist #2: Yeah, cock-man-oppressor!
Droz: Why, thank you. Could you just tell her that Mr. Pokey stopped by.
Droz: Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time to revive an ancient tradition we seem to have long forgotten.
Cecilia: They confiscated the altar, Droz.
Droz: No, I'm not talking about human sacrifice, Ceel. I'm talking about something we used to do every Saturday night as a matter of principle. Here's a hint. Legions of hand-stamped meatheads... in coed naked lacrosse T-shirts... power-chugging watered-down Meisterchau... regurgitating on the glue-matted floors.
Mullaney: Kiln-like temperatures, fights with townies... lines of drunken people waiting for the bathroom.
Katy: Wait a second. You guys are talking about a party.
Droz: Ding-ding-ding. Gutter, tell her what's she's won.
Well, you call those useless, yerk toting, frisbee chucking cheeba monkeys and you tell them you're gonna be an hour late.Droz
Jock: [at a party] What's up, babes?
Womynist #1: Pack up your rape culture and take a hike!
Jock: [holds up a beer] You want a brew dog?
Womynist #1: We're not interested in your penis!
Womynist #2: Wait, wait, I think he's offering us a beer.
Droz: Frog And Toad Are Friends, that's with the guy from The Clash, right?
Gutter: [confused] The...
Droz: The Clash. I don't know if you're aware of this, Gutter, but there actually was music recorded before 1989.
Pins and needles!Pigman
Samantha: [at party] Hey, not bad, The Naked Guy showed.
Droz: All right, The Naked Guy! Now it's a party!
Womynist #2: You dated a white male?
Samantha: I was a freshman.
Womynist #1: Fresh-person, please!
[on answering machine] Hello, Miles. It's Maya. Thanks for your letter. I-I would have called sooner, but I think I needed some time to think about everything that happened and... what you wrote to me. Another reason, um, I didn't call you sooner is because I wanted to finish your book, which I finally did last night. And I think it's really lovely, Miles. You're so good with words. Who cares if it's not getting published? There are so many beautiful and... painful things about it. Did you really go through all that? Must have been awful. And the sister character - jeez, what a wreck. But I have to say that, well, I was really confused by the ending. I mean, did the father finally commit suicide, or what? It's driving me crazy. Anyway, it's turned cold and rainy here lately, but I like winter. So, listen, if you ever do decide to come up here again, you should let me know. I would say stop by the restaurant, but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be working there, because I'm going to graduate soon. So, I'll probably want to relocate. I mean, we'll see. Anyway, like I said, I really loved your novel. Don't give up, Miles. Keep writing. I hope you're well. Bye.Maya
So, Jake, you're out, you're free, you're rehabilitated. What's next? What's happenin'? What you gonna do? You got the money you owe us, motherfucker?Willie 'Too Big' Hall
Jack: Listen, man. Cammi gets off in an hour, so I was thinking I'd just hang around and have a drink, and make sure she gets home safe.
Miles Raymond: You're joking, right?
Miles Raymond: Un-fucking-believable. Can't we just... go back to the motel... and hang out... and get up early, play 9 holes of golf... before we head home?
Jack: [puts his hand on Miles' shoulder] Listen, man. You're my friend, and I know you care about me. And I know you disapprove, and I respect that. But there are some things that I have to do that you don't understand. You understand literature, movies, wine... but you don't understand my plight.