Popular Comedy Quotes
Morty: [while Michael is about to call him] Yes?
Michael Newman: [jumps back and lands on the table] You scared the...
Donna Newman: Honey, what's going on down there?
Michael Newman: I, uh, it was a mouse! It's dead, I killed it, it just broke the table first.
Stop the penis party!Womynist
Michael Newman: [trying to convince him to let the project be procrastinated so he can go camping] Three days? Couldn't I have a little more time for this project?
Ammer: Michael, our clients are Japanese. They can't wait for their fish to cook.
Droz: Want some advice?
Tom: Well, yeah.
Droz: Well, here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before 11. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You're a freshman, so it's pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?
Tom: Uh, no.
Droz: Someone on your floor will. Find them and make friends with them on the first day.
Jack: Are you still seeing that shrink?
Miles Raymond: I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?
Miles Raymond: And Lexapro, yes.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.
[having farted in an elevator] It was me!Fletcher
Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a $900 suit.Fletcher
Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!Judge Stevens
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, do we have a setlement?
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?
Morty: [Morty and Michael go back to the past to Michael's birth, Michael's parents were arguing if he had a penis or not] Your mom must've had a good eyesight cause I didnt see anything.
Michael Newman: Haha very funny.
Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.
Michael Newman: What?
Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.
Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.
Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.