Audrey: Where were you?
Fletcher: Having sex.
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone *very* special!

Jack: This chick Stephanie, she's got it all goin' on.
Miles Raymond: Well, she is cute, yeah.
Jack: Cute? She's a fuckin' hottie. And you almost tell her that I'm gettin' married? What's the matter with you?

Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck!
Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Jerry, enjoy my wife.

Fletcher

Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

Gretta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!

Fletcher: You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT?
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.

Fletcher

It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.

Judge Stevens

Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency, I"LL CALL YA LATER!

Fletcher

Donna Newman: Will you still love me in the morning?
Michael Newman: Forever and ever, babe

He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.

Morty

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