Popular Comedy Quotes
Fletcher: Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?
Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.
Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a litte bit...
God, why do you hate me?Bruce
We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.Bruce
Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes.Bruce
First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?Bruce
Morty: [Morty and Michael go back to the past to Michael's birth, Michael's parents were arguing if he had a penis or not] Your mom must've had a good eyesight cause I didnt see anything.
Michael Newman: Haha very funny.
Grace: You still have to go over there, the nurse is waiting.
Bruce: Oh, do I have to?
Grace: Oh, it's not going to hurt. In fact I think you might find it quite pleasurable.
[Reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.God
Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going...
God: Bruce... I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well God, nice job on the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way: you *SUCK*!
Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.
Michael Newman: What?
Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.
Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.
Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.
Miles Raymond: This weekend is not about me. It is about you. I'm gonna show you a good time. We're gonna drink a lot of good wine. We're gonna play some golf. We're gonna eat some great food and enjoy the scenery and we are going to send you off in style, mon frere.
Jack: And get your bone smooched.