Popular Comedy Quotes
Matt Saunders: I'm not going to help you kill her!
Professor Bedlam: Kill? I didn't say "kill"! I said "neutralize"! It's a neutral word... like Switzerland!
I'm in a glass case of emotion.Ron Burgundy
William Shakespeare: I have a new play.
Christopher Marlowe: What's it called?
William Shakespeare: Romeo and Ethel the Pirate's Daughter.
Christopher Marlowe: What is the story?
William Shakespeare: Well, there's this pirate... In truth I have not written a word.
Austin: Basil, this coffee smells like shit.
Basil: It is shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh, good, then it's not just me.
Oh, no no no no. Dead broad off the table.Shrek
[after he spills water on his pants] Damn, she's gonna think I got that premature evacuation!Kenny Fisher
Kumar: [walks up to a bush and starts peeing] Ahh.
[Creepy Guy walks up out of nowhere and starts peeing right next to him]
Kumar: 'Scuse me, I just...
Creepy Guy: Huh?
Kumar: I have to ask you, why'd you... wha... wha... why are you peeing... right here?
Creepy Guy: What?
Kumar: I mean... why'd you pee right next to me when you could like, choose that bush, or...
Creepy Guy: Well, this bush looked like I should pee on it. Why are you peeing on it?
Kumar: Well, no one was here when I chose this bush.
Creepy Guy: Oh, so you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh?
Kumar: No, it's just... I just...
Creepy Guy: This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush?
Kumar: No, I just thought that...
Creepy Guy: You the king of the forest?
Kumar: I'm sorry?
Creepy Guy: What?
Creepy Guy: You fuckin' tree-hugger. IS THIS YOUR SPECIAL BUSH?
Kumar: Never mind. Forget it, I really don't feel like gettin' stabbed tonight.
[they pee in silence for a bit]
Creepy Guy: [quietly] Nice pubes.
Kumar: [pauses, creeped out] Thanks.
It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes.Jackie Moon
Red: Man, just listen: I would just appreciate it if both y'all would just take your shoes off; I mean, this is brand new carpet, you're tracking mud in here - Matheson, you've got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987!
This hotel reminds me of a place you'd want to go to get a good ol' fashioned raping or a down-home murder!Deputy Trudy Wiegel
They'll never catch me... because I'm fucking innocent.Dignan
Dr. Gonzo: [Holding key] Where did this one come from?
Raoul Duke: That's Lacerda's.
Dr. Gonzo: Yeah, yeah I thought we might need it.
Raoul Duke: What for?
Dr. Gonzo: What for? So we can go up there and blast him out of bed with the firehose, man!