Popular Comedy Quotes
Bullets - my only weakness! How did you know?Officer Palumbo
Leon the Snowman: By the way don't eat the yellow snow.
Buddy: Oh, I know that.
[Asking the flight attendant] Could I get a real bottle please? I'm an alcoholic not a Barbie doll.Maggie Hoffman
Claire Foster: Honey, If I'm gonna get whacked off, I...
Claire Foster: What are you smiling about?
Phil Foster: No, no, we might get bumped off. We're not going to get whacked off.
Claire Foster: I think we are!
John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would meet someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig?"
Claire Cleary: Yes, it's funny. It's funny because it's true.
John Beckwith: I know, but the funny because it's true bit only works if the truth is a very small thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". Honestly, I think you're better off going for something from the heart.
Claire Cleary: I think people are going to love this.
John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.
Claire Cleary: No.
John Beckwith: Sounds of silence.
Claire Cleary: Uh uh.
John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room, I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
Joey, have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison?Captain Oveur
[to Wilbur] Mister, you are grounded... until you die.Franny
[very unenthusiastically, while having sex with Peter] Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. I just came. Uh. Uh. Uh.Model
Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.Phil
Inigo Montoya: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Westley: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Harry: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.
...and it was like wicked dark down there. How's it going Bob?...Lobster