Popular Comedy Quotes
Dr. Gonzo: Hello? Hi Lucy, God bless. Yeah it's me. What? I dont know, I taught that bastard a lesson he'll never forget. What? No, not dead. But he won't be bothering anybody for a while. Yeah, I left him out there. I stomped him. I pulled all his teeth out.
Raoul Duke: I remember thinking 'Jesus, what a terrible thing to lay on someone with a head full of acid'.
Dr. Gonzo: But we have a problem. That bastard cashed a bad cheque downstairs and gave you as a reference. They'll be looking for both of you. Yeah I know. You can't judge a book by it's cover... some people are just basically rotten. Well the last thing in the world you want to do is call this hotel again. They'll trace the call and put you straight behind bars. Yeah I'm moving to the tropicana right away... when I get a room I'll let you know which one it is... I gotta get off. They probably have this phone tapped baby... Yeah I know it's horrible but it's all over now.
[scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a kid for trying to read! Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?Veronica Vaughn
Laura: Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me? Because I want to feel something else than this. It either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
Rob: No. I only have a few left, I've been saving them for later.
Laura: Right. It'll have to be sex, then.
Rob: Right. Right.
I'm in a rut, we're in a rut. Let's shape things up. I have an idea, let's get married! I don't have a ring...Danny
[to Joe] Ballerinas can jump just as high as you but when they come down they come down in plies, and then they stand pointe, and they stand like that for hours. If ballet was easy, it would be called football.Monique Vasquez
Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
Korean Mother: Ling Ling. You forgot lunch, baby bie. Chicken back with five vegetable, bulgogi and kim chee.
Ling Ling: [embarassed] Thanks... mom.
Korean Mother: Ok. You all learn real good now!
Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.Tom
My woman, Miss Lopez, must love the land as I do.Armando Alvarez
Hats for bats, keep bats warm.Pedro Cerrano
Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude!Hansel
Russell Ziskey: You could join a monastery.
John Winger: Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?
Russell Ziskey: Never.
John Winger: So much for the monastery.