Popular Comedy Quotes
Dr. Peter Venkman: To our first costumer.
Dr Ray Stantz: To our *first* and *only* costumer.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm gonna need to draw some petty cash. I should take her out to dinner. We don't wanna lose her.
Dr Ray Stantz: Uhhh... this magnificent feast here represents the *last* of the petty cash.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Slow down. Chew your food.
Max Fischer: Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer.
Rosemary Cross: Hi.
Max Fischer: Hi.
[looking at an anatomy model of a vagina] Where do you put the penis?Andy Stitzer
We're close enough to the curb now. We're right on it.Nick
What the fuck, man? You shot me in my stomach! I'm gonna die now, probably. Man, I had y'all over for dinner! Fish tacos! This is how you do me?Red
Man, you gotta be kidding me! You gonna pull out a gun, when you looking at THIS?Ben
[to Laurie] Why are you so depressed? You'll forget him in a week. After you're elected senior Queen, you'll have so many boys after your bod.Peg
Mike Lowrey: [while looking at a photo album with Marcus's wife, Theresa and answers the phone, which Marcus dials] Hey, is this you, man?
Theresa Burnett: No, no. Put that back in, c'mon put that back in.
Jackie: Hello, Joel. I'm Jackie.
Joel Goodson: Hello, Jackie. I'm not Joel. Joel stepped out for a moment. Hold on... I'll go call him.
[addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.Alvy Singer
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, do we have a setlement?
Jake: It's good to see you, sweetheart.
Mystery Woman: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.