Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.


Fran Kubelik: Shall I light the candles?
C.C. Baxter: It's a must! Gracious living-wise.

There is no such thing as a perfect man.


Secretary of Labor: The Department of Labor wishes to note that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.
Rufus T. Firefly: Very well, we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.

Grandfather: It's your nose, you know. Fans are funny that way, they take a dislike to things. They'll pick on a nose.
Ringo: Aw, you pick on your own.

Rufus: Hi. Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California --- 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean, the water is clean, even the dirt is clean! Bowling averages are way up, minigolf scores are way down. And we have more excellent waterslides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great! But it almost wasn't. You see, 700 years ago, the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two along the correct path, the basis of our society will be endangered. Ah, but don't worry, it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.

Jackie: Hello, Joel. I'm Jackie.
Joel Goodson: Hello, Jackie. I'm not Joel. Joel stepped out for a moment. Hold on... I'll go call him.

Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!

Cotton McKnight

Did you ever have this kind of problem? Yeah - of course you did, you saucy minx.

Prime Minister

Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

Agent 99: Did I hear something?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, there were some tap dancers in the hallway.

Oh... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.


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