Popular Comedy Quotes
Jerry: I love you!
Audrey: Thank you
Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...
Audrey: Thank you very much?
I told those fudge packers that I liked Michael Bolton's music.Michael Bolton
Mini Me, if I ever lost you I don't know what I would do. [pauses] I'd probably move on and get another clone but there would be a 15 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable.Dr. Evil
Smokey: Older the berry, the sweeter the juice.
Craig Jones: Man, it's the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
Smokey: Yeah, well she blacker than a motherfucker too.
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.Carl Spackler
Lucy: [Reading a hidden message on a painting] "So lame the hair of Tom"
[Looks toward a painting a Tom Hanks with his long hair in "The Da Vinci Code"]
Lucy: Wait. "Lame." "Lame" is a-- "Lame" is a seven-letter word.
The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek: That's the moon.
The Donkey: Oh, okay.
Those of us that had been up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts, we wanted strong drink. We were, after all, the absolute cream of the national sporting press.Raoul Duke
Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
Border Crossing Agent: [from trailer ] Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying?
Ethan Tremblay: No, I have glaucoma.
Border Crossing Agent: What about the dog? Does he have glaucoma? His eyes are glassy too.
A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.Alvy Singer