Popular Comedy Quotes
Are you ready for that? Checking into a Las Vegas hotel under a phony name with intent to commit capital fraud on a head full of acid? I sure hope so.Dr. Gonzo
Ron Burgundy: I don't read Jet magazine or uh Jheri Curl Daily.
Linda Jackson: What are you doing?!
Ron Burgundy: I’m breaking down the barriers of race by assimilation and on that note, which one of you convicts with the longest record can pass me the mash potatoes?
I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing!Tiffany
Carol: [John turns off the radio] Why did you do that?
John Milner: I don't like that surfin' shit. Rock and roll's been going down hill ever since Buddy Holly died.
Carol: Don't you think the Beach Boys are boss?
John Milner: You would, you grungy little twirp.
Carol: Grungy? You big weenie! If I had a boyfriend, he'd pound you.
John Milner: Yeah, sure.
[running while carrying a pair of giant scissors] I shouldn't be running with these!'Baby' Brent
This is so antiseptic. It's empty. Why do you think this is funny? You're going by audience reaction? This is an audience that's raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!Isaac Davis
Barbara: [Over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house.
Shaun: Well are they still there?
Barbara: [Over the phone] I'm not sure, we've shut the curtains.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three or four men to share a bed.
Dave Buznik: That's why I'm proud to be an American.
Alyssa: So, you've never been curious about men?
Holden: Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.
Jake: It's good to see you, sweetheart.
Mystery Woman: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.
Elle: Ughhh. All day long I felt like white open-toed shoes after Labor Day.
Sid: I hate that feeling, whatever that means.