Popular Comedy Quotes
"Brothers don't shake. Brothers gotta HUG!!"Tommy
Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."Ray Zalinsky
Richard Hayden: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no.....
Tommy: No shit from anyone!
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...
Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.Richard Hayden
Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.Richard Hayden
It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps.Richard Hayden
Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2Ã—4]
Tommy: That was a good one.
Richard Hayden: Hey, Prehistoric Forest!
Tommy: Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden: Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?
What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants!Tommy
Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty.
Jack: Man! That's tasty!
Miles Raymond: That's 100% pinot noir. Single vineyard. They don't even make it any more.
Jack: Pinot noir?
Miles Raymond: Mmm-hmm.
Jack: Then how come it's white?
Miles Raymond: [laughs] Oh, Jesus. Don't ask questions like that up in wine country. They'll think you're some kind of dumbshit, OK?
Jake: Disco pants and haircuts...
Elwood: Yeah, lots of space in this mall.