Popular Comedy Quotes
[to Yuri] An Uzi? I'm not from South Central Los fucking Angeles. I didn't come here to shoot twenty black ten year olds in a fucking drive-by. I want a normal gun for a normal person.Harry
Walter Stratford: This morning, I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl, do you know what she said to me?
Bianca: "I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeazy boyfriend wear a condom"?
Walter Stratford: Close, but no. She said, "I should have listened to my father".
Bianca: She did not.
Walter Stratford: Well, that's what should would have said if she wasn't so doped up!
Jackie: Hello, Joel. I'm Jackie.
Joel Goodson: Hello, Jackie. I'm not Joel. Joel stepped out for a moment. Hold on... I'll go call him.
Scott: [on Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
Dr. Evil: Well throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why did you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough. [audience boos] It's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.Fletcher
You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!Richard Hayden
Horton: I have to think light. I'm light as a feather. I am light as a feather.
[a feather lands on the bridge and the plank gives way]
Horton: Heavy feather.
Dammit, are you boys gonna chase down your leads or are you gonna sit drinkin' coffee in the one house in the state where I know my boy ain't at?Nathan Arizona Sr.
We need kegs. Multiple, cold and domestic.Droz
Peter Bretter: How are things going with the lady?
Darald: Not awesome. She's complicated, like the Da Vinci Code, except harder to crack.
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.
Alvin: [during a chase] They'll never take us alive!
Simon: [in the cat carrier] They just did take us alive, Alvin!