Popular Comedy Quotes
Turk Malloy: Are you in yet?
Virgil Malloy: I hate that question
Susan Cooper: Where'd you get a suit?
Rick Ford: I fucking made it, didn't I?
Shooter McGavin: Just stay out of my way or you'll pay, listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don't I just got and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what'd ya say?
Jake: Oh, please, don't kill us. Please, please don't kill us. You know I love you baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.
Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
Jake: No I didn't. Honest... I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.
Mystery Woman: [smiles] Oh, Jake... Jake, honey!
Oops. That's not your vagina. That's your asshole.Female Doctor
Bobby Boucher: So that's what opening up a can of whoop-ass feels like.
Coach Klein: Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass.
The rose goes in the front, big guy.Crash Davis
Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: [phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out] Holy fuck he's not kidding. There's a tiger in the bathroom!
This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.Spalding Smails
Vicki Vallencourt: Well, Bobby Boucher, welcome to manhood. I'll make sure to welcome you properly later.
Bobby Boucher: Once again, I'm not quite sure what that means.
Sara: What's your name?
Chip: They call me Chip.
Sara: Aw, you can't get 'em to stop?
Donna Newman: Will you still love me in the morning?
Michael Newman: Forever and ever, babe