Nicole: Do you live alone, Inspector?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I do.
Nicole: Do you ever get lonely?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No. Not since the Internet.

Ahoy polloi.

Spalding Smails

Twinkie. Don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Good job.

Michael Newman

Trudy: Hey, Micheal. Micheal, who are you talking to?
Michael Newman: Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma. Take it easy.
Trudy: Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life. You got family here. You're busy. Come on.
Michael Newman: My mother says hello.

Miles Raymond: Did you read the latest draft, by the way?
Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Miles Raymond: And?
Jack: It's great. I mean there are so many improvements. It's much tighter, just seems... I don't know, more congealed or something.
Miles Raymond: Mm-hmm. What about the new ending? Did you like that?
Jack: Oh, yeah. New ending vastly superior to the old ending.
Miles Raymond: There is no new ending. Page 750 on is exactly the same.
Jack: [pause] Well... maybe it just seemed new because everything leading up to it was so different?
Miles Raymond: [sarcastically] Yeah, that must be it!

Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.

Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy, how much longer are you going to live?
Michael Newman: [to cellphone] One minute.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: One minute?

Mike Damone: Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?

This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there.

Jeff Spicoli

[dumping out cold fries] I shall serve no fries before their time.

Brad Hamilton

Michael Newman: Sorry, i'm late , sir. Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot so...
Prince Habeeboo: Prince Habeeboo, Drive red Lamborghini.
Michael Newman: Red Lamborghini? I meant blue Ferrari.

Miles Raymond: [while tasting wine] It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit. Fuckin' Raid.
Jack: Tastes pretty good to me.

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