Becca: I'm so wet right now.
Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in Health Class.

Topper Harley: Colonel, who are they?
Col. Denton Walters: She's CIA. The other man's an extra.

Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
The Dude: Oh yeah?
Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.
The Dude: Johnson?

That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.


Carol: Oh, rats. I thought some of my friends might be here.
John Milner: Probably a couple of weeks past their bedtime.
Carol: Oh, wait, there's Dee Dee. I hope she sees me.
John Milner: Oh, shit. Dee Dee!

How many of you have self-help books? Okay, that's your first problem. You can't help yourself, because your *self* sucks!

Dr. P

Forget about them, more fun for us! Like what you see, huh? Let's get involved!

Highway Patrolman

Saul Silver: Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbie in a nice retirement home.
Dale Denton: Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
Saul Silver: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?

Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.

Greg Focker

Jake: $2,000 for this chunk of shit?
Murph: I mean, honestly Ray. It's used, there's no action left in this keyboard.
Ray: I don't think there's anything wrong with the action on this keyboard.

Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[Shithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.

Bill: Ted, you know, if I die, you can have my Megadeth collection.
Ted: But dude, we are already dead.
Bill: Oh. Well then they're yours, dude.

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