Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mooseblood: Ma'am, I was already a bloodsucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase!

My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.


Thorny: Where are your shoes?
Foster: What are you, the shoe police now?
Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar.
Foster: Black magic only works on the rookie.
Thorny: That's brown magic.

Nigel Tufnel: [on what he would do if he couldn't rock] Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind, or... or do, uh, freelance, uh, selling of some sort of, uh, product. You know...
Marty DiBergi: A salesman?
Nigel Tufnel: A salesman, like maybe in a, uh, haberdasher, or maybe like a, uh, um... a chapeau shop or something. You know, like, "Would you... what size do you wear, sir?" And then you answer me.
Marty DiBergi: Uh... seven and a quarter.
Nigel Tufnel: "I think we have that." See, something like that I could do.
Marty DiBergi: Yeah... you think you'd be happy doing something like-...
Nigel Tufnel: "No; we're all out. Do you wear black?" See, that sort of thing I think I could probably... muster up.
Marty DiBergi: Do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, I don't know - wh-wh-... what're the hours?

I don't believe this! I've got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido, the killer pimp.


Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.

Billy Madison

I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.

Patches O'Houlihan

This is Gale and Evelle Snoats. As fine a pair as ever... broke and entered!


Crazy kids with their crazy VDs.

Van Wilder

It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?


Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

Ethan Tremblay: Holy Moses, it's like I'm traveling with a child!
Peter Highman: Have you used the restroom?
Ethan Tremblay: Good point, I need to take a pee-pee.
[walks towards the restroom with a childish walk]

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