Popular Comedy Quotes
Harry: [after a kiss] Soft lips.
Erica: I'm so glad they still work. I haven't used them for kissing in such a long time, more like for wearing lipstick... and whistling.
Angie Ostrowiski: [Kate is vogueing on the dance floor] Stop framing your face!
Kate Holbrook: I think it's good!
Angie Ostrowiski: It's not.
Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.
Michael Newman: What?
Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.
Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.
Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.
Not at the table, Jose!Alan Garner
Oh no, no! This better not be some kind of joke!MacGruber
I wouldn't live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree!Julie
Phil: Can I be serious with you with you for a minute?
Rita: I don't know. Can you?
[on sheets of poster board]
Mark: [on sheets of poster board] With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]
Mark: But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this
[picture of a mummy]
Mark: Merry Christmas
Vinny Gambini: My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny Gambini: No. I'm just trying to explain.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny Gambini: Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Uh, Mr. Gambini?
[Motions for him to approach the bench]
Judge Chamberlain Haller: All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny Gambini: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.
Dewey Cox: Thank you, Elvis Presley!
Elvis Presley: [mumbles somthing incoherently and indecipherable, then leaves]
Dewey Cox: What the fuck was he talking about?
Bostun Webels, experience the heat. Buston Webels, catch the magik. Buston Webels, catch... who wites this?Joe Kingman
I've always known I'll die alone.Kirk