Popular Comedy Quotes
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls. [looking up from game] What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: What's that?
Willie: Well, that looks like a huge...
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Scott: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?
Dr. Evil: How about, no, Scott? Okay?
Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.Austin
Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.
Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope?
Dr. Evil: The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.
Austin: How could you sleep with Fat Bastard?
Felicity Shagwell: I was just doing my duty, Austin. I had to.
Austin: No, I mean, literally, HOW could you do it? The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.
Scott: [on Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
Dr. Evil: Well throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why did you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough. [audience boos] It's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?
Felicity Shagwell: You can start by buying me a drink.
Robin Swallows: Tell me, Mr. Powers. Do you swing?
Austin: Are you kidding, baby? I put the "grrrr" in swinger, baby! Yeah!
Felicity Shagwell: Austin Powers, I presume.
Austin: Powers by name, powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell: Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag very well by reputation.
Austin: Oh, bee-have.
Felicity Shagwell: Not if I can help it.
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.