Popular Comedy Quotes
Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.John Winger
Tito Puente's gonna be dead, and you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he's fabulous."John Winger
John Winger: I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.
Russell Ziskey: You still have your health.
Sergeant Hulka: Soldier, I've noticed that you're always last.
John Winger: I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.
John Winger: C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like we're going into *Wisconsin*.
Russell Ziskey: Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it!
Cruiser: I joined the army 'cause my father and my brother were in the army. I figured I better join before I got drafted.
Sergeant Hulka: Son, there ain't no draft no more.
Cruiser: There was one?
Russell Ziskey: You could join a monastery.
John Winger: Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?
Russell Ziskey: Never.
John Winger: So much for the monastery.
I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.Russell Ziskey
You better hit those bunks my little babies, or Sergeant Hulka with the BIG TOE is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.Sergeant Hulka
Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals?
John Winger: You mean like flaming? Or part time?
Recruiter: Well, it's a question we have to ask of all our new recruits.
Russell Ziskey: No, we're not homosexual, but we are *willing to learn*.
John Winger: Yeah, would they send us someplace special?
Recruiter: I'll just put that as a 'no'.
We're so damned lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?John Winger
Sergeant Hulka: Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.
John Winger: Uncle Hulka?