Well, you haven't lived until you've shot-putted blitzed on Jager!"

Van Wilder

Maxwell Smart: [after he gets recruited as a new agent] I request a cone of silence.
Maxwell Smart: [he doesn't press the button hard enough so everyone can hear him] Oh, I'm so happy! I'm so happy! This is the best day of my life!
Lloyd: Dude, you didn't press the button hard enough...
Maxwell Smart: Right.

Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison Scott: You're not going to fuck me like a dog.
Ben Stone: It's doggie style. We don't have to go outside or anything.

I feel like I'm on some bad new Aaron Spelling show - "Melrose Priest."

Father Brian Finn

Will Smith: What's your daughter's name?
Ollie: Gertrude.
Will Smith: Damn why'd you do that man?

It's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.


George Downes: Michaels chasing Kimmy.
Julianne Potter: Yes.
George Downes: Your chasing Michael.
Julianne Potter: Yes.
George Downes: Who's chasing you. Nobody. Theres your answer. It's Kimmy.

Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.


You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really trying to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself, and each other.

Jerry Springer

I got a full-on robot chubby.

Evil Ted

Gill: From this moment on, you shall now be known as Sharkbait.
Bloat, Gurgle, Bubbles: Sharkbait! Hoo ha ha!
Gill: Welcome, Brother Sharkbait!
Bloat, Gurgle, Bubbles: Sharkbait! Hoo ha ha!
Gill: Enough with the Sharkbait.
Gurgle: Sharkbait! Hoo... bop pa doo.

No, I'm over your head, because your head's up your ass.

Miles Logan

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