Carl Peterson: [Carl is rubbing Molly's feet] You have the most beautiful toes, have I ever told you that? And I'm not even a foot guy.
Molly Peterson: Are you concentrating on the game? Or are you lusting at the feet of your soon-to-be wife?

Queen Elizabeth: You are an eager boy. Did you like the play?
John Webster: I liked it when she stabbed herself, Your Majesty.

Hey, Rathbone! I was just thinking of a title for my new book. "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy." Or how about "Roy O'Bannon versus the Man who would be Queen?"


Disastrous haircut.


Otter: I'll tell you what. We'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and in the morning, it was gone. We report it to the police, D-Day takes care of the wreck, the insurance company buys your brother a new car.
Flounder: Will that work?
Otter: Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.

My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!

Ace Ventura

Twinkie. Don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Good job.

Michael Newman

[after Mauricio broke Hal's spell]
Hal: Okay, who do you think is the most beautiful woman in the world?
Mauricio: Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say everyone else in the world thought Wonder Woman was ugly.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knock out, I don't care what anybody else saw!
Mauricio: You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?

Danny: No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.
Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.

I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.


Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil Wenneck: [yelling from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu Price: I should go.
Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Thom: Would someone mind telling me where we're going?
Norah: You know how some people like to eat at the same places?
Nick: Yeah.
Norah: Well Caroline likes to puke in the same places.

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