Popular Comedy Quotes
I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches.Brick Tamland
I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure.Mr. Jones
I love you so much, it's retarded.Drunk Guy in Yugo
John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would meet someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig?"
Claire Cleary: Yes, it's funny. It's funny because it's true.
John Beckwith: I know, but the funny because it's true bit only works if the truth is a very small thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". Honestly, I think you're better off going for something from the heart.
Claire Cleary: I think people are going to love this.
John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.
Claire Cleary: No.
John Beckwith: Sounds of silence.
Claire Cleary: Uh uh.
John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room, I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
[to Mr. Potato Head] I'm packing your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes just in case.Mrs. Potato Head
[in the voice of a cartoon mouse] I'm the mascot of an evil corporation!Bart Simpson
Emma: It must be nice having a job with so much downtime.
Randal Graves: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with the fucking mouth-breathers all day, I'd dip my head in the deep-fryer. Balls, too...
It's all just... cornflakes.Morty
Phil: You want a prediction about the weather, you're asking the wrong Phil. I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.
Mini Me? Mini Me? For God's sake would somone put a fricken bell on him or something.Dr. Evil
Oh, and next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. [silence] So, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.Bill Lumbergh