Ron Albertson: I had to have penis reduction surgery.
Dr. Allan Pearl: Penis reduction?
Sheila: I said to him, "Ron, you've gotta do something!" And he says to me, "Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?"

Ron Albertson: I'd wish they'd at least give us a line. I made some suggestions...
Sheila: We should be line-DANCING.

[during "Red, White, and Blaine production] I love you too pa. You taught me how to be a man. How to wrastle a steer to the ground and apply a fiery brand to his hind-quarters. And yes, how to love a woman. How the smell of her hair can drive a man wild!

Corky St. Clair

I dream of Genie with the light brown hair. Floating like a vapor on the soft summer air. LOOK OUT! Campdown races sing this song doo da doo da...

Dr. Pearl

[singing at an old folks home in Miami] Bubbe made a kishke, she made it big and fat, My Zaydeh took one look at it and said "I can't eat that!' ... Oh Bubbe, Bubbe, Bubbe, Oh Bubbe me oh myyyyyyyy...

Dr. Pearl

[attempting to say "Hello, how are you" in a Cockney accent] Ello, ow are ooo?

Corky St. Clair

Mom was right about you!

Nick 'Santa' Claus

Dan Burns: [after the family sees him kissing Marie] You guys broke up, right?
Mitch Burns: Two hours ago!

Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.

Dan Burns

I don't want to go out with the pig... face.

Dan Burns

Put it on my tab.

Dan Burns

There's rightness in our wrongness.

Dan Burns

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