Popular Comedy Quotes
English Teacher: I've never met anyone as great as you. I'm really just always attracted to such dirtbag guys. Some bum, some lying pig.
Drillbit Taylor: Stop it. You were starting to rant a little bit.
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.Mexican Bandit
Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. Wha's your name?
Tex: Tex, Ma'am.
Lili Von Shtupp: Texmam? Well, tell me Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no, ma'am.
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off o' the stage.
Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake, but very puzzled.
Charlie: Hey Bart, is it me or is the world rising?
Bart: I don't know, but whatever it is, I hate it.
Taggart: [learning Bart is the new sheriff of Rock Ridge] Now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian. I AM depressed.
Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?
Taggart: That might help...
Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly woman: Up yours nigger.
Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.
Hedley Lamarr: ... do pledge allegiance...
Men: ...do pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...
Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*!
Men: That's Hedley.
Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that.
Bart: Why not?
Jim: If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] I'm tired of men always coming and going, going and coming and always too soon.
Lili Von Shtupp: Right, girls?
Bart: You are my guest, and I am your host. What is your pleasure? What do you like to do?
Jim: I don't know... play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.
Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.