Popular Comedy Quotes
[quoting Benjamin Franklin] Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.Tom Dobbs
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!
[a zombie is crushed by a falling piano] Poor flat bastard.Columbus
Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doin' this when we're 50?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh... because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.
Ray Embrey: My basic diagnosis of your fundamental problem is...do you want to hear it?
Ray Embrey: You're an asshole. I know. I call it like I see it, though. It's not a crime to be an asshole, but it's very counter-productive. Not a crime, but you are an asshole, don't you think?
Hancock: Be careful.
Oh man shut your anorexic malnutrition tapeworm-having overdose on Dick Gregory Bohemian diet-drinking ass up. Leave me alone!Sidney Deane
Do you want the long version or the short version? And I have to warn you, the long version is in Aramaic.Uncle Arthur
You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor!Chip Douglas
George: All these people live here. This is a commune.
Seth: We prefer 'intentional community.' We're not a bunch of hippies sitting around playing guitar.
Deb: I'm trying to earn money for college.
Kip: Your mom goes to college.
Evelle: Gale? Um, Junior just had a ... an accident.
Gale: What's that, pardner?
Evelle: He had hisself a little ol' accident.
Gale: What do you mean? He looks okay.
Evelle: No. You see, moving though we are, he just went and had hisself a little ol' rest stop.
Gale: [sniffs the air] Well, that's natural.
Not So Slim Shady, what's up? I haven't seen you since high school...Jenko