Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.


Your wedding will be huge... just like your ass at prom!


[over the phone]
Matt Saunders: What's going on there?
Vaughn Haige: Some big fire on 73rd and Broadway. Everything's burning.
Matt Saunders: Is anyone hurt?
Vaughn Haige: I don't know, probably. It's blocking my way to the gym.
Matt Saunders: All my thoughts are with you in this time of crisis.

Frank Falenczyk: You gonna run and tell mommy?
Dave: That's right, Frank. I'm going to run and tell mommy.
Frank Falenczyk: Shit.

You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just gets you ... it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.


Carrie: Having a good night?
Charles: Yes. It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.

Dominic Badguy: Dominic
Fozzie Bear: Dominic Badguy?
Dominic Badguy: "Bad-gee". It's French.

I really thought that was going to explode.


Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta?


People don't like to have fire poked, poked in their noses.

Corky St. Clair

My brother was the big egg, I was the little egg.

Cody Maverick

Ned: "Needle-nose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson? I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?
Phil: Ned Ryerson!
Ned: BING!
Phil: Bing.

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