Popular Comedy Quotes
Patrick: Was that a yes?
Kat Stratford: No.
Patrick: Well, then, was that a no?
Kat Stratford: No.
Ms. Perky: Nine schools in ten years. My, my. Army brat?
Cameron: Yeah, my dad is, uh...
Ms. Perky: That's enough. I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old schools. Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere.
Cameron: Excuse me? Did you just say... am I in the right office?
Ms. Perky: Not any more you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish. Now scoot. Scoot!
Cameron: Wow, is this what a bar looks like?
[Cameron reaches into a jar on the bar]
Michael: Don't touch anything! You may get hepatitis.
[they find Patrick; he's drinking and smoking]
Patrick: So what have ya got for me?
Cameron: A little insight into a very complicated girl.
Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
Patrick: [confused] What?
Michael: Nothing. Nothing.
Cameron: Alright, uh, first thing, Kat hates smokers.
[slowly removes Patrick's cigarette and throws it down]
Patrick: So, you're telling me I'm a... non-smoker.
Michael: Yes... well, just for now.
Cameron: And, um, and here's another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes... pretty guys.
Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?
Michael: H-he's very pretty. He's a gorgeous guy.
[gives him two thumbs up]
Michael: You're a gorgeous guy.
Cameron: Yeah... I-I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.
[Patrick sits back down]
Cameron: Alright, uh, yeah, okay, uh, here's this... Likes: Thai food, feminist pros and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Here's a list of CDs that she has in her room...
Patrick: So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right?
Michael: Have you eer been to Club Skunk?
Cameron: Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night.
Patrick: I can't be seen at Club Skunk. All right?
Cameron: But she'll be there, she's got tickets.
Michael: Just assail your ears for one night.
Cameron: She has a pair of black underwear... If that helps.
Michael: [laughing cooly] Couldn't hurt, right?
Ms. Perky: Patrick Verona. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.
Patrick: Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh, hit the lights?
Ms. Perky: Oh, very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?
Patrick: I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.
Ms. Perky: Bratwurst? Aren't we the optimist? Next time, keep it in your pouch, okay? Scoot!
Mr. Morgan: I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those years of upper middle-class suburban oppression. Must be tough. But the next time you storm the PTA crusading for better... lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about, ask them WHY they can't buy a book written by a black man!
White Rastas: That's right mon!
Mr. Morgan: Don't even get me started on you two!
White Rastas: [Mumble to themselves]
Bianca: People expect me to be there!
Walter Stratford: Kat's not going, you're not going!
Bianca: Why can't you be normal?
Kat Stratford: Define normal.
Bianca: Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal.
Walter Stratford: What's a Bogey Lowenstein?
Kat Stratford: Bogey's party is just a lame excuse for all the idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up against each other in hopes of distracting themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their meaningless...
Bianca, Chastity: ...meaningless, consumer-driven lives.
Bianca: [after Kat has told her that she went out with Joey] How is it possible that I did not know about this?
Kat Stratford: I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading squad would find out how tiny his dick is!
Mr. Chapin: You look nervous...
kid in detention: Yes sir.
Mr. Chapin: You're sweating like a pig...
kid in detention: Yes sir.
Mr. Chapin: You're eyes are all... bloodshot
kid in detention: yes sir
Mr. Chapin: You've got pot, haven't you?
kid in detention: [looks down at pocket] Yes sir.
Mr. Chapin: I'm confiscating this.
Mr. Chapin: [walks away and sees Cheetos on another students desk] ... this... too.
Joey: Your sister here?
Kat Stratford: Stay away from my sister.
Joey: Oh, I'll stay away from your sister, but I can't guarantee she'll stay away from me.
Joey: [holding up headshots] Which one do you like better?
Bianca: Umm, I think I like the white shirt better.
Joey: Yeah, it's-it's more...
Joey: Damn, I was going for thoughtful.
Joey: Are you lost?
Michael: No, actually I just came by to chat.
Joey: We don't chat.
Kat Stratford: I'll let you get back to Reginald's quivering member.
Ms. Perky: "Quivering member." I like that.