Popular Comedy Quotes
Kat Stratford: You don't always have to be who they want you to be, you know?
Bianca: I happen to like being adored, thank you!
Bianca: Where did you come from? Planet "Loser"?
Kat Stratford: As opposed to Planet "Look At Me, Look At Me"?
Walter Stratford: This morning, I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl, do you know what she said to me?
Bianca: "I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeazy boyfriend wear a condom"?
Walter Stratford: Close, but no. She said, "I should have listened to my father".
Bianca: She did not.
Walter Stratford: Well, that's what should would have said if she wasn't so doped up!
Patrick: Not a big talker, huh?
Kat Stratford: Depends on the topic. My fenders don't really whip me into a verbal frenzy.
Kat Stratford: You're not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke.
Patrick: I know, I quit. Apparently they're bad for you.
Kat Stratford: You think?
Patrick: Some asshole paid me to take out this really great girl.
Kat Stratford: Is that right?
Patrick: Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um, I fell for her.
Cameron: She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the whole time.
Patrick: Cameron, do you like the girl?
Patrick: Yeah, and is she worth all this trouble?
Cameron: Well, I thought she was, but you know, I...
Patrick: Well, she is or she isn't. See first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it.
Ms. Perky: So, I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan's class... again.
Kat Stratford: Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.
Ms. Perky: The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway? By the way, his testicle retrieval operation went quite well, in case you're interested.
Kat Stratford: I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.
Joey: Mr. Morgan, is there any chance we could get Kat to take her Midol *before* she comes to class?
Mr. Morgan: Someday, you gonna get bitch-slapped and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it.
Patrick: Was that a yes?
Kat Stratford: No.
Patrick: Well, then, was that a no?
Kat Stratford: No.
Ms. Perky: Nine schools in ten years. My, my. Army brat?
Cameron: Yeah, my dad is, uh...
Ms. Perky: That's enough. I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old schools. Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere.
Cameron: Excuse me? Did you just say... am I in the right office?
Ms. Perky: Not any more you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish. Now scoot. Scoot!
Cameron: Wow, is this what a bar looks like?
[Cameron reaches into a jar on the bar]
Michael: Don't touch anything! You may get hepatitis.
[they find Patrick; he's drinking and smoking]
Patrick: So what have ya got for me?
Cameron: A little insight into a very complicated girl.
Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
Patrick: [confused] What?
Michael: Nothing. Nothing.
Cameron: Alright, uh, first thing, Kat hates smokers.
[slowly removes Patrick's cigarette and throws it down]
Patrick: So, you're telling me I'm a... non-smoker.
Michael: Yes... well, just for now.
Cameron: And, um, and here's another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes... pretty guys.
Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?
Michael: H-he's very pretty. He's a gorgeous guy.
[gives him two thumbs up]
Michael: You're a gorgeous guy.
Cameron: Yeah... I-I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.
[Patrick sits back down]
Cameron: Alright, uh, yeah, okay, uh, here's this... Likes: Thai food, feminist pros and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Here's a list of CDs that she has in her room...
Patrick: So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right?
Michael: Have you eer been to Club Skunk?
Cameron: Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night.
Patrick: I can't be seen at Club Skunk. All right?
Cameron: But she'll be there, she's got tickets.
Michael: Just assail your ears for one night.
Cameron: She has a pair of black underwear... If that helps.
Michael: [laughing cooly] Couldn't hurt, right?