Popular Comedy Quotes
Ted: Your stepmom's cute.
Bill: Shut up Ted.
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill: Shut UP, Ted!
Ted: Remember when I asked your mom to the prom?
Bill: Shut UP, Ted!
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
Bill, Ted: And we are... WYLD STALLYNS!
Rufus: Greetings, my excellent friends.
Ted: Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Rufus: Well, perhaps we could ask them.
Ted: [to himself] 1275...1275... [to Bill] Okay. The lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport. I knew it!
Ted: [to lady] Excuse me! When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady: I don't know. I just work here.
Future Ted: Rufus!
Future Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus. He knows what he's talking about.
Future Ted: Right. Oh, and Ted? Give my love to the princesses?
Future Ted: You'll see.
Bill: Be excellent to each other.
Ted: Party on, dudes!
Ted: Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our friends.
Bill: This is, uh, Dave Beeth Oven.
Beethoven: Sie sind so schÃ¶n, Madame.
Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy, Herman the Kid...
Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan, Dennis Frood, So-crates Johnson, and, uh... Abraham Lincoln.
Miss Preston: It's so nice to meet you all. There's sodas in the fridge.
Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...
Ted, Bill: ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
You sunk my battleship!Grim Reaper
Don't overlook my butt, I work out all the time. And reaping burns a lot of calories.Grim Reaper
I got a full-on robot chubby.Evil Ted
Grim Reaper: I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with a candlestick.
Bill: Sorry, death, you lose! It was Professor Plum!
Grim Reaper: I said Plum!
Ted: No way! You said Mustard! Can we go back now?
Grim Reaper: Uh, best three out of five!
Ted: I don't believe this guy!