I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!

Delia

And look at that kitchen. You're finally going to be able to cook a decent meal.

Charles

Charles: What do you think honey?
Lydia: Delia hates it. I could live here.

Because if I tell you [my name], you tell your friends... your friends are calling me on the horn all the time, And I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a hell. Okay? A living hell.

Beetlejuice

Ask me about my wiener!

Sherman Schrader

Bartleby Gaines: You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.
Sherman Schrader: I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it.
Bartleby Gaines: So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head?
Sherman Schrader: I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.

[raises hand straight up in air and jumps around] When I got accepted here, it was the first time my parents ever said they were proud of me!
[everyone claps, whistles and cheers]

Abernathy

Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the SHIT Sandwiches?

Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.

Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that their gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I,I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: Holy Shit...
Jack Gaines: ...Which is?
Uncle Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: Couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: So refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben: Fuckin A'!

Bartleby Gaines: What the hell happened?
Glen: An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.

Sherman Schrader: Right, you date Monica Morlan
Hoyt Ambrose: That I do
Sherman Schrader: Right, I think of her while I masturb...

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