Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.

Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.

Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, you say that.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you say that, governor.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: Here, sir, play with this.
[Hands the governor a paddleball]

Bart: [Jim is trying to sit up from dangling on the ceiling] Need any help?
Jim: Oh, all I can get.

Annie: So what are you hiding from the law or is it just a bad nose job?
Penelope: Mhm, bad nose job.

Max: Good God, he licked me.
Lemon: Edward, don't lick Max.

Edward Vanderman Jr.: Try to remember - I'm your son.
Leonard Wilhern: That's exactly what I'm trying to forget!

Duty Cop: Detailed description?
Jessica Wilhern: Brown hair. Brown eyes.
[pause]
Jessica Wilhern: A uniquely pleasant personality.
Franklin Wilhern: Think pig.
Duty Cop: So she's a fat girl?

Penelope: Helaborasoreantalis. They're amazing; they bloom even in the winter.
Annie: That's cool.
Penelope: They just pop up without any help from anyone.
Annie: [laughs] Kind of like my ex-boyfriend, if you know what I mean.

Penelope: [telling her class her story] And we lived happily ever after - well, happily ever after so far at least.
Child #1: I don't get it. What does it mean?
Penelope: Well, you tell me what you think it means.
Child #2: Rich people stink!
Child #3: It's always the mothers fault.
Child #4: It's not the power of the curse - it's the power you give the curse.

Max: All Halloween I've been running into someone I used to know.
Penelope: [wearing a pig mask] This someone - she meant a lot to you?
Max: Yes, yes she did.
Penelope: What happened?
Max: I couldn't give her what she wanted.
Penelope: What did she want?
Max: To be free.

Journalist #1: Do you have any other pig parts?
Penelope: No!
Journalist #2: With such a large nose, do you smell better than the rest of us?
Penelope: [laughs] You tell me.

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