This makes golf look like porn.

Tom Dobbs

We'll pay for your Viagra but not for your glasses. That way, you get a hard-on but can't see where to put it!

Tom Dobbs

Tom Dobbs: NASA spent 30 Million dollars creating the pen that would write upside down in space. Did you know that? The Russians, how ever, were able to solve this problem with
[imitating]
Tom Dobbs: Five cent pencil! Writes right side up, writes up-side down. After five quarts of vodka, is still writing!

Jack Menken: Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
Tom Dobbs: Well I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Crop Circles", is that offensive?
Jack Menken: Not to me.

[to a group of reporters] I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

Tom Dobbs

Father, is this my husband-to-be? He's a toad. If the Emperor is so fond of him, why doesn't he marry him?

Princess Pei Pei

Don't worry, it could be worse - he could be a white guy.

Medicine Man

Chon Wang: I got an idea: why don't I pretend I'm sick, and then you can attack the guard when they come in?
Roy O'Bannon: Oh, you mean the sick person routine? Does that still work in China? 'Cause here it's sorta been done to death.

Chon Wang: See! I told you so!
Roy O'Bannon: No, you said "wet shirt don't break," not "piss shirt bend bar"!

Roy O'Bannon: Ooooh... who's the pretty lady?
Chon Wang: That's my wife!
Roy O'Bannon: How long you been in this country?
Chon Wang: Four days.
Roy O'Bannon: Nice work.

Chon Wang: He took the gold.
Roy O'Bannon: Is that all you care about, the gold? Shame on you.

Now I'm gonna have to get rid of my outlaw name, it just won't work anymore. My real name's Wyatt Earp.

Roy O'Bannon

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